Four Time Zones
...and four little stories from each one
I don’t do well in different time zones. It takes me a few days to correct. Living in the East Coast, most of my time zone experiences are going west, where I wake up at like 3 am local time.
I’ve hit all four time zones this year. Did not do well at all in Pacific, sleep-deprived in Mountain, basically okay in Central. I prefer cross time zones via a cross-country road trip, where the hours creep up on you. But flying’s surely quicker.
2 pm PACIFIC TIME: A STORY FROM PORTLAND, OREGON
One of the few things I knew about Portland was Voodoo Donuts. I was disheartened to find out there were multiple locations. Oh no, it went corporate. It’s just going to be a donut shop where “weird’ and “eclectic” were decor elements on the wall, and everything else will be homogenized. As scary as a Halloween parade at Disneyland.
Because I wake up so early on the West Coast, I had no problem walking to the donut shop bright and early. Well: early; January in Portland is not going to be bright. The streets were empty Saturday morning, only the 24-hour dispensaries were open.
As I got closer I got worried it’d look like a regular old shop. I passed a few dropped donuts that giant crows were pecking at: Portland is lousy with crows. Bad sign, right?
Then I saw it. And it was like a Chuck Palahniuk character was turned into a storefront.
Imagien a closed-down barbecue joint, Now imagine a tram of sugar-addled six-year-old girls repaint it in pink. Everything is the same shade of pink. Pink drainage pipes, pink fascia going up to the roof, pink NO PARKING signs in the parking lot. An all-pink trailer parked in the back.
It was beyond gaudy and tasteless.
It was an inelegant eyesore.
It was perfect.
(It also doubles as a wedding venue.)
Some of the donuts inside was made to resemble sex organs. Others has curse-word titles. All were blazingly unhealthy, huge wheels of fried dough slathered with icing and then dipped in sugar cereal or cookies.
I got an Oh Captain My Captain (vanilla icing, Capt’n Crunch) and an Ol’ Dirty Bastard (chocilate icing, Oreo cookies). Combined, this was probably my entire days’ worth of calories.
Stay weird, Portland!
3 pm MOUNTAIN TIME: A STORY FROM DENVER
My brother-in-law told me that the Colorado Rockies stink. Well, that’s not news I need an inside connection to report to me. But since they stink, the cheap seats (normally $20 to $30 at other stadiums) are dropped down to $9.
$9 is less than $10. Bet you didn’t know you could buy a ticket to ANYTHING for under $10!
I decided to wander over on the Saturday I was in Denver: my show was over at 7, and the opening pitch began at 7:10. For $9 I’d have a seat for a few restful hours while the Rockies played. $12 hot dogs (or however much they cost) become well worth it with a $9 ticket.
Took me a while to leisurely walk over; it was a nice night, and I was in no rush to see the game. Lots of others were strolling forward, all just as leisurely. They told me no rush, the fireworks don’t start util after the game’s over.
Aha: an added bonus: I’d get to see fireworks as well. I’d seen a drone show in Denver but Independence Day was traditionally celebrated with fireworks. Well, officially it was celebrated by signing a tresonous piece of paper, but you know what I mean.
I had Googled the ballpark’s bag check policy, and smartly moved my laptop and book to a paper bag, which was allowed inside. I got scoffed at for bringing a book but promised not to read it.
Then, once I was inside the stadium, I asked where the box office was.
I’m not wired to be a scoundrel. A scoudrel would have not asked. And would have just waltzed inside the stadium, $9 richer, and then plonked down in a $200 seat up front.
But I asked, and then had to exit back outside, and walk to the box office. And found out that due to the fireworks, the $9 seats were now $46 each.
In retrospect, that’s a somewhat reasonable price to see a game and then fireworks. But I had my heart on the $9 cheap seat. So much so that I immediately lost all interest in seeing the game.
4 pm CENTRAL TIME: A STORY FROM NEW ORLEANS
This isn’t much of a story, really.
But there were baby pigs.
For all the conventions I’ve seen, none had had a petting zoo before. Therapy dogs and emotional support dogs, yes, plenty. Seeing eye dogs in training, I’ve seen a dozen of those — it was one place with a dozen dogs, not a dozen different booths with one dog apiece.
I’ve seen dogs with lightsabers, I’ve seen giant turtles walking around, I’ve maybe seen a miniature horse?
But New Orleans was the first place with a full-on petting zoo.
This felt real fly-by-night, the sort of thing allowed because no one had ventured to pass a law prohibiting it. There was a sloth, fresh from Costa Rica. Ther was a baby allgator, I think. And there were toycup pigs, small as puppies and never going to grow any bigger.
This felt like something that’d only happen on the Gulf coast. This is a Florida-adjacent thing going on here: maybe the same booth sold fireworks.
This is a good time to point out that not everyone who does cosplay does it whole-hog. (Pardon the pun.) Think about if you dressed as, say Velma from Scooby Doo. All you’d need was an orange sweater. People wear orange sweaters. It’s not like a Robotech mech suit mde of foam and cardboard.
A more recent such costume is Mabel from the cartoon show Gravity Falls. She wears a pink sweater with a rainbow icon on it. That’s it: put on the sweater and you’re Mabel. Very easy to do, just order one!
Mabel has a pet pig named Wattles. Few people go to the trouble of carrying a stuffed animal of a pig with them.
So it was with great glee I got to flag down Mabel after Mabel, hour after hour, for three days, and tell them a real living Wattles was waiting for them just three booths over at the petting zoo.
I may have sent that booth more business than I did that weekend.
5 pm EASTERN TIME: A STORY FROM PHILADELPHIA
Each state and each convention center has different rules, and I usually am safe to ignore them all. I’ll roll with finding out if there’s a sales tax form or mandatory booth insurance.
Phiadelphia’s specific wrinkle was a no-batteries policy. Electronics were okay, so long as you purchased power from the convention center, which cost about $160 for the long weekend.
I’ve never bought power; I’ve got a pile of books, not fancy lighting or intercom system. But I did buy a battery pack a few yeas ago, so I can charge up my laptop and phone over the weekend. It’s heavy, like a car battery with a handle. And because of that, I don’t bring it in right away.
A guy working for the convention handed me a two-page list of electricity prices and battery no-nos. The prices started at $160: any sort of battery was a no-no. You know that little pack-of-card-sized thing you have that recharges your phone? That’s not allowed. Per Phildelaphia and only Philadelphia rules, that’s a fire hazard and might burn down the whole building.
(Meanwhile, New Orleans lets you have live alligators.)
I read this paper and nod: I don’t have one of those pack-of-card chargers. I do have a bulky orange-and-black handheld battery, just like the one on the picture. But phew, it’s not here, it’s still in the car.
I play dumb: saying I don’t have any of these.
He points to my second screen, which I brought because it’s easier to see than my regular laptop screen. I have no power source for this.
“How were you going to power that up?” he asks.
Uh…uh…[flop sweat]...gee...well…the thing is…
I had no answer, He’d busted me. For a crime I had no idea was a crime because it was buried in a sea of legalese few people ever read. A crime I hadn’t commited yet, since the battery was still in the car.
I saw this electricity guy through the convention: his job was to get people to buy power, and he moved onto bigger fishes. I compromised. I brought my big bulky power source in, but I didn’t use the second screen. I just used it to charge my phone.
Did any of my neighbors need to use it? Nope, they’d all brought in power chagrers of their own.
They probably weren’t even aware they were contraband smugglers.
PRINCESS LEIA OF THE WEEK
Rebus week!
Answer: Yo-de-le-hi-who!
SUPER MARIO OF THE WEEK
A still fron the Rebus Rush video game, for the Switch!
Answer: toothbrush.
SPIDER-MAN OF THE WEEK
Answer to #5: Spider-Girl.
MICKEY MOUSE OF THE WEEK
Answer: three blind mice.
ME OF THE WEEK
For two episodes, me and Matt Bird and Steve Bird talked about the Marvel comic of January 1968. I’d only read the Amazing Spider-Man issue from this month, so the cross-section was a great way to experience it. So much overlap! Three or four differnt times a charatcer was brainwashed or amnesiac! There are only so many ideas to go around, I guess.
UPCOMING APPEARANCES
AUGUST 2-3: THE OFFICE REUNION — Secaucus, NJ
AUGUST 8-10: FAN EXPO BOSTON — Boston, MA
(new!)AUGUST 21-24: FAN EXPO CANADA — Toronto, ON
(My first international show!)
OCTOBER 17-19: BALTIMORE COMIC-CON — Baltimore, MD