The Turnaround of Biff Tannen

I've always wanted to be a regular old attendee at one of these giant conventions: recently, I got to.

When people think of conventions, they normally go to one of two visuals. One is cosplayers, and there are a lot of them. The other is famous people up on stage talking.

I’d never experienced that aspect of a convention before. I’m at my table mostly, or occasionally giving a talk, or running to fill up my water bottle. I don’t have a spare hour to just watch someone else talk, even if that person is a big famous.

But a few moths ago I got to. That was thanks to the floorplan design of the convention, with the artist’s alley section and the mainstage being kitty-corner to each other. From where I was standing, I could literally watch everything happening on the mainstage all weekend long.

Now I know what happens up there!

For one thing, in between panel talks they show trailers for upcoming movies. I’ve seen that Minecraft trailer so, so many times. Also the new Karate Kid trailer, Superman trailer, etc. The sound was just faint enough so if I was watching the screens I’d match it up with the visuals and know what everyone was saying. But without the visual I couldn’t tell what was going on.

In between trailers were the panels of course. Mostly, if you see one of these panels on the news, it’s because it’s from San Diego Comic-Con and they’re announcing the cast members of an upcoming project. That’s rare.

Mostly, the people who are up on stage are the stars of shows that have stopped airing but are still fondly remembered. And it’s not a one-night-only sort of “reunion”: they guys show up every other week in another city greeting local fans.

The first group up I saw were a cadre of voice actors for a popular anime show that I don’t watch. They’re all young and funny, and they do this I think literally every weekend in a different city. The show’s incredibly popular at every convention I go to, and this is why. It probably took them 45 minutes to record each episode, and now the next two years of their lives to promote 45 minutes of voice work.

The voice actors had a moderator, who threw some jokes about the show to each actor, then took questions from the audience at the end. That’s the standard way to host this. Some of the moderators were aware the attendees were not there to hear the moderator gush, so they kept their questions pointed. Others did not.

On Saturday I got to see two legends talk, William Shatner and Anthony Daniels. (That’s Star Trek’s Captain Kirk and Star Wars’s C-3PO, if you’re not fluent in geekspeek.) Both these guys have been going to conventions since before I was born, so I was fascinated to see how they aren’t sick to death of doing the same thing for decades on end.

Shatner had no moderator; he came out, sat on a comfy chair, and start to recollect stories. Someone told me he was a little nuts, like an uncle who’d had a few. He said he had his own theory of what dark matter was, and shared that theory with the crowd. (Look for that discovery in a future Astronomy & Astrophysics issue soon!)

He looked like a guy in his 60s sitting there, holding the audience in his hand, a few good-life pounds around his belly. Maybe a bit past his prime.

HE IS NINETY-FOUR YEARS OLD. NINETY. FOUR.

These conventions are by and large what used to be called “autograph shows;” most people are here for the money. This is either a job that pays them until they land another acting gig, or they accept there may not be many more acting gigs so this is their sole job now.

I have to think Shatner doesn’t need the money anymore. He’s just good at this: he loves meeting people and remembering times past and raconteur-ing. I talked with someone who said Shatner tours people around a Star Trek museum in upstate New York, and does a full 8-hour on his feet as a guide.

Anthony Daniels was there also. I’ve never read anything by Shatner, but I read Anthony Daniels’ book about making Star Wars. I’m tempted to make the joke that I read it so you don’t have to. Almost every story is about how uncomfortable the Threepio suit is, how none of his ad-libs make it into the final film, how no one wants to hire him to play anything but an effete robot, and how he needs to continually starve himself so he can fit into a size-27 breastplate.

And written down, read in sequence, for 250 pages in a row, that doesn’t come off too appealing.

But in person! Anthony Daniels in person is Fred Astaire. These are stories he’s honed down over the decades, delivered with the dry wit and British elan that he’s made synonymous with an android that look like a Borg mated with a French horn. Live and in person, his stories are magnificent! And so is he: he’s lithe and limber, prancing all around the stage, pacing the aisles looking for people to ask him questions, He’s a mere 79, and carries himself like a ballet dancer.

Most of the weekend for both these guys is the head-down work of signing. An assistant runs the credit cards or takes the cash in advance, so all they do is sign various items and headshots all day long. Sometimes they look up and smile, shake hands, hop off their chair to take a picture. But mostly it’s no different than buying a car; a lot of signing of things you don’t understand.

My all-time favorite movie is Back to the Future, so seeing all four leads from the movie on stage was amazing. (Plus Huey Lewis!) I actually left the table for a bit to stand closer so I could actually hear what people were saying, not just guesstimate.

I am very happy to report that Team Back to the Future was a delight. Like a team, all four members (plus Huey Lewis!) played a specific role on stage, roles very different from what they played in the film.

--Christopher Lloyd, Emmit Brown, is currently 86 years old. He acts still, and can bring the odd raspy line deliveries, but he’s not a quick conversationalist. But you have to have him here. He’s the Doc!

--Lea Thompson, Lorraine McFly, has shifted over into directing TV: she does three or four shows a year. She doesn’t need on-camera fame. But you have to have her, too; she’s the female lead!

--Michael J Fox – do I need to say he played Marty McFly? – is an icon and a hero and has raised over a billion bucks for Parkinson’s research, and family members are currently on antiParkinsonian tremor drugs that may not exist if he didn’t held fund them, and every positive adjective in the world can be applied to him. But he’s also someone who due to his condition can’t stroll across the stage like Dean Martin rhapsodizing about the shoot. He can make short statements, and he makes them count. Just him being up there is enough for everyone.

--That leads us to the secret star of the show, the powerhouse performer holding everyone else together; Thomas Wilson. Yes, Biff Tannen.

Wilson is a mensch. He knows not just what he wants to say, but what everyone in the audience wants to hear. What they want to ask and what they want the cast to say. And he’s there, delivering Lloyd and Fox anecdotes where he’s a minor player, so the audience gets a good Lloyd and Fox anecdotes that Lloyd or Fox can merely nod their head to confirm. He knows people like to laugh, so everything his says has humor. He knows audiences don’t like just but love this movie, so he speaks of his time with reverence.

The irony is, Thomas Wilson by himself is probably the person whose autograph people want the least. He played the bully! He was the bad guy! A doppelganger of 1985 Biff is somehow president!

But Thomas Wilson is the secret sauce of this group hang. He’s able to give the audiences what they want, precisely because not all of his costars are able to wax so eloquently or with such grace.

They’re all there for each other. In mercantile ways as well: they sell group photos and group signatures, and more people show up for a cast reunion than for individuals by themselves. They’re worth more together.

The cast in a band now, a band playing their greatest hits in an oldies circuit. Most every sci-fi show’s cast feels this way: they people I worked work for a few months in 1997 are now the people I’ll spend the rest of my life with.

It’s probably not what any of them thought they’d be doing, but this is the new world. One where even big stars can’t live on royalty checks anymore, and parts are sparse even for name actors. Autographs are how a lot of people pay their bills, or pay for their retirement, or just pay for their mortgage. Often it pays better than acting gigs, in less time, and much easier to book. And the actors get to choose how often they work, and get the spend the week with their families.

This was my third convention with the stars of BTTF, but the first time I got to see them. It had previously been enough to know I, almost with 60,000 others, were in the same city block-sized building.

I’ve still never actually paid for an autograph. And I don’t think I ever will. That part of these conventions is just not appealing, and I honestly try not to think about how all these shows exist just to prop up the resale market on eBay. And how many people dropping a college tuition’s worth of money on decorating their dens with signed collectibles.

Those were the standouts over the weekend. Plenty of other people of lesser renown came out on stage and sat on chairs and waved hello and were interviewed, but it didn’t seem special. They were being asked the same dozen questions they’re always been asked, and were giving the same dozen answers. It takes an extra level of commitment and performance to be enthused about doing this — same places, same questions, same answers — after decades.

I used to feel bad for some of these actors. Not that they weren’t making decent money, but that they were actors who were now selling their autographs, when surely they’d rather be acting on a soundstage.

But maybe they are content.

The woman who spends $100 for a picture isn’t just paying for the picture. She’s paying for the experience. For the brief chit-chat, the handshake or hug, the commentary on what you’re wearing or where you’re from. For getting to know the famous person as a fellow person, even if only for a minute.

For the people who love doing this, it’s easy and fun (and lucrative).

And for those who don’t…

It’s ACTING!

PRINCESS LEIA OF THE WEEK

Carrie Fisher, singing autographs.

SPIDER-MAN OF THE WEEK

Andrew Garfield, signing autographs.

SUPER MARIO OF THE WEEK

Charles Martinet, signing autographs.

MICKEY MOUSE OF THE WEEK

Mickey himself, signing autographs.

UPCOMING APPEARANCES

MAY 16-18: FAN EXPO PHILADELPHIA — Philadelphia, PA

(NEW!) JULY 3-6: FAN EXPO DENVER

(They still have my credit card on file and are signing me up for shows. I feel like I’m in a sub movie and the torpedo I shot at another sub missed and is now coming back to hit me.)

(I’ll have done a show in every continental time zone this year if I go through with this one.)

(NEW!) AUGUST 8-10: FAN EXPO BOSTON (this one at least is drive-able)

OCTOBER 17-19: BALTIMORE COMIC-CON — Baltimore, MD